10 things I thought I’d never do as a new mum

I don’t know about you, but I’m not totally the mum to baby Ethan I thought I would be.
Please tell me I’m not the only one? Its not just small things either, like giving him spaghetti hoops for dinner two days in a row, its the bigger things that I said pre-baby I’d never do…

10 things I said I’d never do as a new mum… and now do

1 Buy shit loads of toys
Pre baby = go to people’s houses who had kids and wonder how they could possibly accumulate SO many toys.
Post baby = understand the toy formula; one toy = about a minute of distraction; so for me to go to the toilet = 3 toys.

2 Pander to my child’s every need
Pre baby = why are those parents fussing over their baby, they are going to turn them into a spoiled brat.
Post baby = please don’t cry, please don’t cry, it breaks my heart, please don’t cry, ok you can have it, whatever you want, please stop crying.

3 Eat basically anything of the floor
Pre baby = that’s so gross.
Post baby = it’ll build their immune system.

4 Talk about poo
Pre baby = surely you’ve got other things to talk about?
Post baby = poo is a marker of wellbeing and daily conversation with my partner and anyone else who has children – they might not really care, but, they get it.

5 Change my choice of holiday
Pre baby = I can totally climb Kilimanjaro with a baby in a back pack. A baby won’t stop me seeing the world
Post baby = I’m so tired and I’ve spent all my money on nursery fees – give me the easiest, most cost effective holiday solution possible (with the shortest flight time) please.

6 Let being a parent affect my marriage
Pre baby = we’ll stay the same, we’ll just have a cute baby too.
Post baby = I’m sorry I bit your head off because you wanted to put a cardigan on him and I didn’t and by the way I love spending Friday nights doing 3 loads of washing and talking about car seats with you.

7 Let them watch children’s TV
Pre baby = TV can’t be good for babies – all those stereotypes and marketing messages going into his sub-conscious mind. Parents should just play with their children.
Post baby = YEY! In the night garden is on! Let’s snuggle up on the sofa and be still, and not talk, and fall asleep.

8 Tell people to be quiet
Pre baby = babies need to get used to noise
Post baby = it’s taken me an hour and half to get him to sleep. If you speak one decibel louder I may have to stuff this sock in your mouth. Carol singers at 7.30pm? Oh, just, fuck, off.

9 Get tetchy about other kid’s germs
Pre baby = I won’t wrap my baby in cotton wool, they need to go out there and build their immune system
Post baby = I’m delighted he’s had whooping cough and a verruca! It’s been a blast – do let me know your address so I can send you all a thank you card!

10 Buy ridiculously over-priced children’s clothes
Pre baby = they grow out of clothes so fast, what’s the point?
Post baby = but its sooooo cute. The embroidery stitching! The fleece lining! The ears on the hood! Add to cart! Add to cart!

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